Kick the Football, Charlie Brown
By Mark D. Crantz
Football is upon us. And every year, about this time, I think about Charlie Brown and the football he can’t kick because Lucy pulls it away from him. So hopeless. So unfair. Charlie Brown’s problem seems to be his alone. I’ve never seen anybody else in college or professional football suffer the same humiliation over and over. It’s endless. Although, I’ve heard open mic at the end of city council meetings can feel the same way.
But city council comment time is not what I write about. Instead, I want to understand why the many games in college football start with a Division One team playing a game with another team outside their conference. That seems unfair. The scores prove it most times. Final score: Big Guys 77-Little Guys 0. No comment from the little guys until they come out of the induced comas, per doctor orders.
I’ve asked around. Some sports enthusiasts say conference versus non-conference games are warm-ups to get the big-name teams better prepared for the season. Others say that easier nonconference games improve the big-name schools’ chances of securing a bowl invite at the end of the season. Which begs the question, why would a little school agree to take such a shellacking?
So, I went to the hospital to ask the little guys. They were still in a group-induced coma, and there wasn’t much to do while waiting. I tried the cafeteria and got food poisoning, but I was in the right place for my full recovery. I found some half-deflated football balloons at the hospital gift shop and bought them for the little guys when they woke up. I signed the balloons, “Get Better Soon, The Goat.”
I turned to Google Search while I waited. I thought I might learn the reason why little guys did what they did. I know history repeats itself, and this absolute may give me an answer. I went back to Roman days and looked up a popular sporting event. Christians versus Lions. This did not seem like a fair contest. Final score: Lions Alive. Christians Dead. This didn’t help. The Christians weren’t coming back from the dead to tell me why they did it. I was back to square one, waiting for the little guys to come out of their group coma.
I stared at the green hospital walls and wondered if the shade of green was a color requirement by some federal agency for patient reimbursement. Green is the color of money, and hospitals suck up a lot of it. I squinted my eyes, tilted my head and saw the subliminal hologram of Alexander Hamilton in a repeat wallpaper pattern. That’s good. One mystery solved.
Lucy was mean to take away the football. She should know better because she was a practicing psychiatrist. Lucy was acting like a bully. Most people forgive this mean streak because she charges 5 cents for advice. That’s very close to free advice, but able to count for something.
I can’t wait any longer for the little guy team to wake up. I have to submit this column. So, when time is short I turned to Google AI for the answer to why little guys allow themselves to get beaten up by big guys. “Google AI says it is in human nature to take on all challengers, no matter how big and unpleasant they may be, to make life better and be better.
Oops. Sorry, readers. I’m as surprised as you. This column was about the open comment mic at city hall. Keep saying what you’re saying, residents. It’s important.
Crantz tells the Indy that he wishes the Laguna Beach Breakers good luck this football season.
