Waking Up
By Mark D. Crantz
I woke up this morning and thought, “Good. I’ve completed one important activity.” Waking up is not to be taken for granted by old people. Young people never think about it. They just do it. There’s no putting “wake up” in their daily planner. They think you can’t count waking up as an event.
I felt invigorated, having completed waking up. Nutritional experts advise me that I have burned up one calorie. I was on my way to a positive day. As I planned how I would burn up calorie number two, I was overcome by tiredness. Apparently, waking up had really taken it out of me, so I went back to sleep to regain my momentum.
Sometime later, I woke up for a second time. My first thought was a good one. I just burned up calorie number two, and I wasn’t even out of bed. I felt good about myself. Exercise is important, no matter where you get it. Two fewer calories and I just knew this would be a great day.
Old people know how to take an inventory of their body parts before getting out of bed. We measure the soreness of knees, ankles, hips, shoulders…well…enough itemizing. Just check everything from top to bottom to see if some part has gotten worse or, God forbid, perished in the night. Try not to make any sudden moves when you do your inventory inspection. Generally, a complete body inspection takes between 20 to 40 minutes, depending on your chronological age as well as your biological age. Biological age is based on all the bad things you have done to your body after decades of having too good of a time. There are exceptions to this rule. Mick Jagger is a good example. Warren Buffet is another.
Most of the rest of us are not gods, like these two. We can’t make kick-ass music or make kiss-ass money. We are mere mortals who try hard to make it to the shower to pretend to sing like Mick Jagger and dream of making Buffet bucks. These dreams come to an abrupt end when the hot water runs out.
I’m still in bed. The shower will have to wait. I’ve fallen asleep for the third time. I wake up again. Imagine my joy when I resurface to realize I’ve just burned up calorie number three. At this pace, I could get too skinny. I really need to get out of bed and stay out of it for a while. Otherwise, I could end up looking like Kate Beckinsale. Who? You ask. She’s the only actor/person in the world who can actually wear Lululemon gear and look great in them. Luckily, for Lululemon executives, all their other customers think they are Kate Beckinsale.
I do my inventory of body parts. All joints continue to hurt, save one. My elbow feels fine. I decide not to push or pull the other parts. Instead, I’ll concentrate the day’s attention on making the elbow joint stronger. I bypass the shower and go straight to the fridge. I grab a big sixteen-ounce Budweiser and bend the elbow. The weight feels good in my hand. The liquid gold goes down easily. All 183 calories (minus three waking-up burned calories) may still be a problem. Oh well, I’ll work on that another day. I shouldn’t lose sleep over it. I don’t wear Lululemon gear. But I know, I’d look like Kate Beckinsale in it, for sure.
Crantz tells the Indy the trick to a long life is to wake up and go back to sleep over and over. Let the young people and their stupid planners do all the work. I’m talking to you guys…Susi Q.
