Wheeler Dealer
By Mark D. Crantz
I want to go on the record. I have a good feeling. Actually, it’s a great feeling. I’m going to win the Mega Million Dollar lottery. “Really?” you ask. Yes, and that’s only half the good news. I’m going to win the Powerball lottery, too. And if the feeling can’t get any better, the wins will be in the same week, with the same set of numbers. And get this, the numbers are quick pick. I don’t even have to come up with them. Oh, what a feeling. I’m off to get a haircut for the check presentations.
This feeling is very strong. It started in my toes and worked its way up to the tippy top of my head. Luckily, I’m below-average height, and it didn’t take long for me to feel like an overall winner. This terrific feeling flies in the face of conventional wisdom that advises women to date tall men. Don’t bother. Short men are winners faster. It’s not worth waiting for tall, dark and handsome.
I’m really lucky. The odds are 305 million to 1 to win either lottery. That’s the same outcome as flipping a nickel 29 times in a row and coming up heads. Don’t bother trying it. I did it for two days straight and found out that you can’t do it. Also, nickels don’t flip as easily as quarters. I didn’t try quarters because Google AI referenced nickels only. I never second guess AI because I’m SI or Stupid Intelligence.
How lucky is this feeling? Well, according to Google AI, winning the lottery is the same as guessing the exact second of someone’s life spanning nine years. Again, I recommend taking Google’s word for it. In a blind test, I had someone try guessing the exact second I was thinking about over a nine-year span. The test subject guessed the second. To my astonishment, he guessed right. Sometime later, the test result was disqualified because the test subject recognized my voice and picked the second that I flipped him, my old boss, the bird, for being mean to me. Somehow, I hadn’t noticed the mirror that gave me away. Stick with Google AI.
I’m feeling generous these days. Once I win, I plan to share part of the largesse with Laguna Beach. I just learned from Michael Ray’s “Musings on the Coast” column that Irvine has the hottest housing market in the United States. Irvine has added 13,000 new residents in the last three years. And these new hordes have hit the closest beach, Laguna Beach, according to Ray. So, let me help fix that problem. Any Irvine resident planning a day trip to Laguna Beach will be offered a $2 voucher to go to Barstow beaches. I know, I know. Once they get there, they’ll find out there isn’t a beach in Barstow. It doesn’t matter because the day will be shot by the time they get back to complain about it. Voila, one less day tripper.
Also, I plan on buying the South Laguna Community Garden. This purchase will require building a six-story parking garage on the site. Of course, while this plan requires residents to secure personal loans to purchase vegetables at nearby Gelson’s, the plan will help remove side street parking by day trippers.
City council will receive 100 dollars to build 36 roundabouts, 18 side by side on Route 133, so day-tripping traffic will always be let out of each roundabout going back to Irvine. I know you would only need one roundabout to send them packing back home. The other 17 are insurance that the first one works. You can never be safe enough from California drivers.
The Laguna Beach Board of Education will be given $75 to allow the Pacific Marine Mammal Center the right to release all seals and sea lions into the new swimming pool. This action will save cute sea creatures from ugly ocean predators. Students will get free sea mammal rides.
No need to thank me. I’m generous to a fault.
Crantz tells the Indy that his likelihood of winning multiple times feels just as strong. Stick with a winner. Additional largesse could be on the way.
