Charm Challenge
By Mark D. Crantz
The City is instituting a new program dubbed “Charm Challenge.” The objective is to incentivize retail property owners to spruce up their businesses and retail operations. Eons ago, I participated in a similar residential challenge in the Midwest. The community was dotted with many Frank Lloyd Wright houses, including his famous studio. This Midwest Challenge was unfair because I had unknowingly bought a Frank Lloyd Wrong house. There was nothing right about it.
I dreaded the month of May when city officials would go around the community inspecting each residential property. The clipboard men would look over the houses and mark down everything that was wrong with the home. Suffice it to say, the clipboard men spent an awful lot of time in front of my abode. I can still hear the checklist sign-off now. “Needs new gutters. New roof. New windows. New doors. New sidewalks. New owner. Next.”
I dreaded these inspections. I had bought this starter house because it was the cheapest house in town. And it was the cheapest house because it was the ugliest house in town. Now, I was being hounded to turn water into wine. How in the world was a guy who mortgaged a home with a 14% rate supposed to make a silk purse out of a sow’s ear and have anything left over in the silk purse?
The only consolation to this Midwest Challenge was the clipboard men did not inspect the inside. The previous owner had taken out all the oak trim molding, oak doors, oak floors in favor of gold-flecked white paneling, pine hollow doors and indoor-outdoor carpeting. However, the most interesting upgrade was the dropped acoustical ceiling and linoleum floor in the master bedroom. And the coup de grace in this interior design was the fluorescent light over the bed that was on a dimmer switch located outside in the upstairs hallway. Fortunately, the clipboard men did not see this get up. Unfortunately, my first wife did. She wasn’t charmed and left. In the end, I was close to being cited and made to put wheels under the house and move it without leaving a forwarding address. No one wanted a house that was destined for the real estate witness protection program. Out of sight and out of mind.
But I’m sure my situation was a one-off. Laguna’s Charm Challenge will run much smoother. However, should a retail owner find himself in a charmless position, I suggest a nice gratuity to the clipboard men to look the other way. Remember, the Supreme Court says gratuities are okay, but bribes are not. I don’t see this situation as a bribe, but rather a monetary thank you for moving the challenge right along.
Crantz tells the Indy that he has lived a charmed life. Just not lucky charms.
